in many ways, i am a survivor. i’ve survived losing a leg, i’ve survived gender re-assignment surgery, i’ve survived mental health battles, and i have survived sexual assault. the last being what i’m going to focus on tonight. its part of my story and i have come so far in dealing with it.

i was 20 years old, out of my first long term relationship with someone who i loved very much (and still do). i met someone online who practiced the same religion i did. we talked online, on the phone, and eventually decided to meet at his friends house in west virginia. i have blocked out a lot of the details, but the main ones are unfortunately still there. i think i took the bus, i know i didn’t have my car. but the first night we were there we both slept in his friends attic. i remember that day we had papa johns pizza and slurpees. he assaulted me that night and the next night. i won’t go into detail. i would not be believed by his friends because he was smaller than me. but he was strong. not being believed was devastating. i remember we went to a temple called new vrindavan. i chanted the whole way there and back.i disassociated and don’t remember a thing about that trip. except the place always gives me a bad feeling. i’ve never been back. shortly after i started drinking. that started my downhill spiral into drugs, alcohol, and horrible bouts of mental illness. i’ve come back to that religion as of late. with help of my Guru and of my mentor, i’ve been able to detach from that person and slowly begun practicing again. i still am not great at chanting because of how i used it as an escape, but slowly i’m getting there. i still have times where i pull away, but my times away are becoming shorter and shorter. he took a lot away from me. i haven’t been in an intimate relationship since. and really that’s ok. i don’t feel lonely. i have a loving family, great friends, a support system out of this world. i’m not going to lie. there are days its not easy. but i somehow find a way to keep going. knowing there is better for me in this life.