I was struggling with what to write about. So  I decided to write about what  I am feeling right now. What I feel daily that people are sick of me talking about. But maybe if I get it down in words it will lose its power.

Pain.

After I had my knee replacement I was diagnosed with complex regional pain syndrome. While it was great to have a diagnosis…….but there are no proven treatments for CRPS, its rare, and a lot of doctors don’t know about it. Well crap.

So in September I had a morphine pain pump implanted to help with my chronic knee pain and bupivicane added to help with the  CRPS. the morphine hasn’t done a whole hell of a lot however the bupivicane has some. My legs feel like they are on fire a lot less! When I walk my back spasms up. I have tried to be the big man who can handle it but it usually ends up in tears. I am going to ask my pain doctor to look at my back. Something has to give.

I’m navigating a covid world as an immune compromised person. I rarely go out. This, in addition to my chronic pain, has an effect on my boyfriend, friends, family, and above all my self esteem and worth. I am afraid of losing my boyfriend because I physically cannot go the places he wants to go. I am tired of waking up screaming in pain, Of not being able to walk further than the front porch. I want my freedom back. I want my life back. I want to be able to walk hand in hand in a beautiful garden with the man i love. I want to see the wonders of my city.

I am going to start with  little steps. and pray they become big ones. We all have to start somewhere.