once again ive failed to update in forever but hey! its the new year right?
today though is a pretty special day. on january 8th of 2003 i made the decision to get sober. i was homeless, doing more drugs than one should consume, and drinking uncontrollably. my mental health was as bad as its ever been. i was psychotic and suicidal. i got into a lgbtqia outpatient program and three months later into a halfway house through whitman walker health. my journey was just starting. i was clean and sober but my mental health was still in the crapper. i would stay up all night and chain smoke cigarettes and engage in self harm. my halfaway house decided i needed mental health treatment and i was connected with an organization called community connections. this was in 2005 i think. i couldnt hold down a job and it was recommended i apply for disability. within 3 months i was deemed “permanently disabled.” things stabled some but my mental health was still very fragile. i was on a coctail of meds throughout the years. my psychiatrist said i was med resistant, meaning we couldnt find a med that would work. it took about 13 years for me to stabilize. hospitalizations, a suicide attempt, i was a mess.

then on january 3rd of 2015 i fell down an escalator breaking my leg in 4 places and paralyzing my bladder. i went through 7 surgeries and eventually had my right leg amputated below the knee. the surgeries didnt stop, i was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease, had a knee replacement last month, my feline companion passed away the day after my surgery, i was in a hell of rehab hospital where i was abused and neglected.

however i stayed sober. twenty years today. life isnt perfect but damnit ive come this far to give up now. i have met a man who makes me so happy and feel so loved. letting someone in after being solo for over 20 years has been EXTREMELY difficult. but i have no regrets. he has seen me at my worst, and at my best, and i plan on being there for him for whatever life throws at him and us.

heres to twenty more years.